3 years, 520 pages and 19 covers. I thought my body couldn’t do any more. June of 2021, was the first time in my career that I wanted to give up. I couldn’t possibly work any harder. I’ve given up so many weekends and holidays chasing this dream. Working for an average of $4 an hour, hoping that this will be the book that I finally earn my stripes, and make it. I was tired angry and defeated. I no longer felt joy when making art but panic and anxiety because the deadlines kept getting shorter, budgets smaller and my art more compromised. Social media made me forget all my hard work and feel like nothing I ever did would be enough. But my family and friends helped carry me through. They saw the value in me that I couldn’t and gave me strength to find solutions and keep moving forward. Thank you all for your love and support. I’m passionate that storytelling can change the world and I’m not done. I just needed to take a breath, connect to the voice inside my chest that’s been screaming to be let out, play second wind and rise with more fire in my heart than I started with 3 years ago. Knock me down 9 times and I get up 10. #cardib They told me being an artist would be hard but from all the struggle, came knowledge. This work has made me stronger than I ever hoped I would be. It’s helped me realize that I’ve been terrified of being vulnerable and sharing my own story. But I’m ready now. This is the year of fearless creativity. This is the year of having fun and not giving a fuck about being disagreeable. This year, let’s have the courage to celebrate what makes each of us unique and use it to make the world a more colorful place. This year, let’s be unapologetic about doing things that make our hearts sing. This year, let’s not be so hard on ourselves, because everything we do, is enough as long as it’s from the soul.
Happiness Delivered
Rosie works as the delivery girl for her uncles bakery. Every morning, before the town comes to life, she rides her motorbike down the cobblestone street to pick up her first job. She loves riding her motorbike because she can sing at the top of her lungs beneath the sound of the rumbling engine. She is too shy to sing in front of people but, on her bike, she is safe in her own world. The only two people who know her secret, are her brother Lawrence and his friend Stephen. Every morning, when they start baking the bread before the sun, they prepare a song to sing to Rosie when she arrives to pick up her parcels. At first, Lawrence sang to her to make fun of her, but over time, he realized he loved to sing too. Rosie’s singing is the highlight of Stephens day. On his walks home after work, He takes the trail behind quiet path behind the bustling buildings in the center of town to practice by himself, so he can impress her the next day. Rosie is impressed and singing with Stephen fills her heart with warmth that she carries with her all day.
I hope this can deliver some warmth to you all during quarantine. If you’re getting bored or need a pick-me-up, I suggest singing or dancing with someone you’re cooped up with. No judgement, just fun. If feels great to let yourself be free with music.
This was supposed to be another motorcycle illo but decided to overexpose the outside with morning light and bring the focus inside instead of showing the bike in the door. I just recently made my first GF sourdough so I wanted to capture the Romantic image of a french bakery in the morning and came up with this little story. I can’t eat gluten but drawing pastries and breads is almost as satisfying as eating them! Enjoy!
Dear Body
The real me, is an artist. I am overwhelmed and inspired by the beauty I experience every day. To me, every detail is beautiful, especially what people typically think are their flaws. It makes me sad when people don’t see the beauty I do. When someone expresses an insecurity, I am moved to hold them and tell them they are beautiful, and their ideas and love matter more to this world than they will ever know.
Meanwhile, the ultimate hypocrisy lives in my subconscious. The story I tell myself, that I needed to push harder, I needed to do better, I need to strive for perfection in order to matter, was killing me. My physical self was deteriorating due to my stress and fear, and every moment I spent worrying about not being good enough, was a moment of this precious life I’ll never get back.
The things I would say; I’m a terrible artist, I’m fat, I’m a weird shape, I’m mannish, I’m slow, I’m stupid, I’m ugly, I’m disgusting. Change the I to you. You’re a terrible artist, you’re fat, you’re disgusting. Would you say those things to at friend? If I heard one of my friends on the other end of those comments there would certainly be hell to pay.
So I’ll put my armor on and stand in front of my emotional and physical self, against that negative voice. That voice is a weapon that raises my adrenaline and cortisol to the point when my adrenal glands, neurotransmitters, digestion and creativity suffer.
I won’t let the negative voice steal my days or harm my body any longer. I have more important things to do with this life, I think, than be perfect.
I am not defined by my looks, or any imaginary marker of success. I don’t need to prove that I matter to anyone.
It is a constant fight, to stay true to oneself. To block out all the influences that make us feel like what we do and what we have are wrong. In a time when the world needs love, we must forgive, and cherish our differences so that we are able to celebrate the differences and beauty of others. Be kind to yourself, because we have work to do.
Inktober reflection
Last year I was the year of too many things. I had no concept of time and was juggling my full time job, starting as a freelance illustrator, practicing jiujitsu twice a week, taking care of my dog, trying to be a better artist and when October rolled around, I thought I could handle doing an ink drawing a day too. I was conditioned to think busy was equivalent to successful, so I busied myself with whatever I was interested in and it soon took a toll on my health. I quit my job, took an indefinite break from jiujitsu and focused all my energy on making memories with my loved ones and learning to be the best Illustrator I could be. I was disappointed with myself last year for not being about to stick with Inktober even though it was a highly unrealistic expectation to impose on myself.
This year, I was a little nervous to take it on because I still felt really rusty and slow from having had an office job for 2 years and felt the drawings I would have time to do might not always be post worthy. I decided to make a deal with myself; do Inktober for practice, and only post what you feel comfortable showing. Maybe do a post at the end with all of your mess-ups to show your process. This alleviated a lot of the stress on having to crank out good drawings every day. Instead I just had fun, exercised my creativity muscles and ended up learning a lot about myself artistically! So much so that I will definitely be giving myself small challenges each month to hone my skills and learn about what kind of art makes me happy. This week Ive already started the habit for November of doing 20 minutes of anatomy studies or Croquis Cafe gesture drawing to loosen up before I start work.
Doing Inktober allowed me to forget about what the industry wants or comparing myself to other artists. I just sat down and drew. What I uncovered was I really like keeping the lines in my drawings! Sketch, or ink. Since I graduated art school, I looked at a lot of successful modern illustrators and found they had a really polished edge and used shape and texture but no lines. I tried to emulate them but my illustrations always lost the life and energy that the sketch had. Im going to try to do more illustrations where I color right over the sketch or ink my lines because it feels like what Im meant to do. Whenever I try to go line-less I feel like I’m jamming a square peg into a round hole. I really enjoy the flow of using line, which is why I think Im also drawn to hand lettering. I just get into a groove and lose myself in the art.
Im a little afraid of the discrepancy in my portfolio of lined vs. lineless. But Inktober gave me a few pieces to add to my gallery that will start moving my portfolio in the direction of a style I would like clients to notice. A direction that feels more authentic to the style I want to be known for. Im excited to explore what this stylistic change will bring about/ Im already flooded with ideas for graphic novels and character illustrations! The possibilities are endless when you are true to yourself and make the art you want to make!
First Print
This was the first winter I truly hibernated. Hauled up in my office, I worked through precious sunlit hours of the day, learning the ropes of business and cranking out images. Summer came overnight and so did the end of my workaholic lifestyle that I tricked myself into thinking I needed to live as a freelancer. I learned so much in this first year and it’s been nice to take the summer to reflect, organize and dig deeper into the world of illustration and finding my place in it.
My first jobs were a whirlwind and I felt totally unprepared for every single one. I started with low confidence when I quit my office job because I hadn’t really illustrated in 2 years. I was rusty and pictures didn’t flow out of me like they used to, before I started to dissolve under the pressure of professionalism. Two of my first jobs were from big publishers and I felt obligated to give them masterful, high caliber work like the stuff I saw on the bookshelves and online. I wished I was able to ease into the business with some smaller jobs even though I was thankful for being given such momentous opportunities. It felt like a mistake that these publishers were hiring me at all. I felt unworthy of these jobs and the perfectionist in me made it very difficult to enjoy the process of doing art professionally (let alone allowing myself to play and experiment in my sketchbook to get my mojo back.) I had made the commitment to full time freelancing but, I hardly felt comfortable calling myself a professional.
illustrating each page felt like running a marathon after not having trained at all for 2 years.The sketching process was fun and easy but, when it came time for color I was blindsided. I had never really studied painting, not like I should have. I wanted to capture light and emotion like so many of my idols but upon reflection I realized I had never done master copies or plain air studies or anything that would help me to build the muscle memory I needed to call upon to bring these books to life from imagination. I needed time to take my paints out and discover what my painting style was and get comfortable with color and mark making again. But, I didn’t have that kind of time. I had 4 books on my desk and whatever knowledge I graduated with at my disposal. I tried looking at other artists which only confused me more. I realized even though I was a fan of their work, trying to emulate their techniques was much harder than trying to convey the world as I saw it, through my own eyes. I needed to walk my own path to be efficient and find joy in my work again.
The artists work is never done, we will never achieve mastery and perfection is an illusion. When I’m feeling inadequate, I read the Van Gogh letters. A true tortured artist. Tortured, because he felt he would never have the skill to convey the beauty he saw and felt in his heart. High expectations can be toxic to creativity. You may have heard;
“Life is not a destination it’s a journey.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It became clear to me I had to kill the perfectionist. She was slowing me down, stealing my creativity and adding fear to an activity where it didn’t belong. I listened to other artists, of all ages and levels, talk about their first books. All of them said that, when they finally see the first print of a book, they always notice a few glaring things they wish they could change. But, the book is done and instead of ruminating on all the things they did wrong, it’s time to celebrate a piece of physical art, made real, in print, that would change someones life for the better.
Van Gough tirelessly and obsessively studied new techniques and experimented with new ideas in order to communicate more clearly with each new painting. That’s the best part of being an artist. You GET to spend the rest of your life discovering how to share your joy and stories with others so that we can connect on a deeper level and understand a bit more of what it is to be human. And it’s important that we do share. Because, each unique story will help someone out there, learn something new, feel less alone, or spark inspiration.
“Do your best with what you have and that is enough.”
I started meditating on this mantra I wrote in a journal after beating myself up so badly with thoughts of imperfection, my heart physically hurt. I was so hard on myself my boyfriend asked me: “Would you ever say these things you think to one of your friends or a younger artist? The realization that I needed to treat myself with more compassion and support struck me. I always tell my friends to be themselves, have fun and don’t worry about making bad art because no matter what, it will connect with someone somewhere. I was intimidated by the magnitude of my opportunities and my ambitious, self competitive side got the better of me. The humility I felt in the shadow of all I didn’t know, crushed me. I needed to have confidence in what I did know and be at peace with whatever I made, knowing that I gave all I had, and I would do better tomorrow.
There is a LOT they simply CAN’T teach you in art school. You just have to do your best and learn as you go. I recently took a trip to the library to do market research for my new book. I grabbed a bunch of books that were hardly winners in a technical aspect but, the stories gave me lump in my throat. Why do we torment ourselves over technical aspects of art? Because that’s what they teach you in art school. They teach you how to draw like Davinci, mix colors like Monet and know anatomy like Michelangelo. But, they don’t teach you your purpose or style or reason for making art in the first place. That’s up to you, to learn with every filled sketchbook and piece of art you make. While you need to learn the rules before you break them, it’s important to understand that the technical aspects of art are not the most important part of the picture; It’s what you say that matters.
Seeing my first books in print have made me finally understand. As I watch people pour over the pages with smiles on their faces and inspiration in their hearts, I realized that nobody was seeing the nit picky flaws I did, or saying she should have done this or that, they are seeing the whole picture, the purpose. I finally feel again the warmth that flows from my heart to my hand when I draw. I’ve rediscovered the self validation that is stripped away after you graduate by the pressure of proving yourself, living your dreams and paying the bills. I thought that getting an agent would be that validation, or signing my first contract. But, the realization of these books was the affirmation I needed to bring my feet back to the ground, hold my head high and believe in myself again. I’m not here simply to draw pretty pictures, I’m here to tell a story that will contribute positively, in some way, to the world.